007 Baby

This past week, I was thinking that Roscoe has quite a bit in common with James Bond. At first that sounds a little confusing, until you look at the facts:

• He has different women (nurses) always coming into his life, fawning over him, and then being replaced by another
• He is surrounded by high tech gadgets like sensors, machines, and other specialized equipment
• Headquarters is constantly monitoring his vital signs for optimal performance of their multi-million dollar investment
• He is always encountering exotic (stuffed) animals like his pet giraffe and monkey
• He is sometimes referred to by his code number (medical record number) rather than his name

... and lastly, he wears a tuxedo. This is the story of Roscoe Bond:

One day, Roscoe was enjoying the ambiance of a small coastal village in northern Italy. He sat in the shade, sipping his milk (shaken, not stirred). Just then, Roscoe received an urgent message from headquarters. "Bond!" the voice began, "We need you in Cairo. The prime minister has been kidnapped and they are demanding a truck-load of gold as ransom". The voice continued to explain, "They want a big truck load. Not like a small pickup truck that's barely filled with gold, but more like a large dump truck where it's so full that it's spilling out the sides. I don't know why you'd fill a dump truck with gold, but that's what they are demanding. Get to Cairo as fast as you can!". The voice crackled to a stop.

"I need to get to Cairo, but how?" thought Roscoe Bond.

Roscoe Bond boarded the next plane to Cairo, of course being eyed by the stewardesses for the duration of the flight. He awoke as the plane touched down in Cairo. It was night and he needed to locate the prime minister. There was only one villain who would be capable of such a feat: BigFace. Roscoe Bond knew that if he could find BigFace's lair, he would be able to save the prime minister. But time was short. He stopped a suspicious looking character on the dark streets of Cairo:

"Excuse me, sir ..." Roscoe began, "would you happen to know where I could find BigFace?"

The dark, looming individual responded, "Absolutely! I really appreciate you speaking so kindly to me so I'll gladly offer up that information. In fact, I will drive you there!" Roscoe was pleased. The man continued, "Usually people think that I'm such a suspicious, dark figure that they should speak meanly to me and threaten me until they get what they want. I don't like people like that, but I like you because you are kind".

Roscoe had made another valuable ally on the mean streets of Cairo. The man drove Roscoe Bond through back alleys, winding roads, and up a dark hill. The man stopped the vehicle near a door, covered by hanging vines, that led into the belly of the mountain. Roscoe had reached BigFace's lair.

Roscoe Bond studied the lock that secured the door to BigFace's lair.

"I know!" Roscoe Bond said to himself, "I will use an exploding key." Roscoe removed the exploding key from his bag of special gadgets, inserted it into the lock, and waited. 

BOOM! CRACK! FIZZLE! The door dislodged and he snuck inside.

Roscoe Bond made his way stealthily down a damp hallway. The echo in the hallway got deeper and deeper. Just as his foot reached the last stable section of floor, Roscoe realized that in front of him was a huge pit.

"Whoa! I almost fell right into BigFace's trap!" Roscoe muttered to himself as he regained his breath.

It was dark so he couldn't see into the pit, but from the smell in the hallway, he knew the pit was filled with alli-tigers. The alli-tiger was a cross-breed that BigFace developed. BigFace's favorite animal was the tiger, but its face was too small, so he cross-bred it with an alligator. The result was a menace that even Roscoe Bond didn't want to tangle with.

With a single leap, he bounded over the pit and safely onto the other side.

As Roscoe continued to explore BigFace's lair, he turned a corner and was surprised by an evil henchman. The henchman had a rifle and was already pointing it in Roscoe's direction. "Hands up!" the henchman barked in a gruff voice.

Roscoe complied with the demand as he contrived a way to escape.

With Roscoe's hands raised, the henchman reached toward his waist and grabbed his radio. Roscoe Bond knew that he was going to notify BigFace of Roscoe's capture, which would spell the end for the prime minister. Roscoe Bond couldn't let that happen.With reflexes that only extensive training and good nutrition could provide, Roscoe quickly flung a powerful strike toward the face of his captor.

The strike found it's mark.

The henchman reeled back in pain and dropped his gun to the floor. Roscoe Bond threw the gun into the alli-tiger pit. The henchman once again fumbled for his radio, so Roscoe knew he had to act quickly. Roscoe Bond flung the henchman and his radio into the alli-tiger pit as well. The only sound he heard was the crackling of the broken radio. He moved on, winding his way through dark passages. He had to find the prime minister.

Without warning, Roscoe stumbled upon a large room.

In the center of the expansive room was the prime minister, tied to a stainless steel chair. Roscoe surmised that BigFace used stainless steel furniture because the high moisture content in the air would have certainly eaten away at any steel or wood furniture over time, regardless of quality. Yes, stainless steel was the only sensible option. BigFace was an evil villain, but he wasn't a fool.

Roscoe pondered to himself how he could free the prime minister safely,

as BigFace was undoubtedly lurking nearby.

As Roscoe walked cautiously toward the prime minister, BigFace jumped out from behind some complex machinery. BigFace was very strong and his face was at least 2.4 times larger than any other man's face. He was a formidable foe for Roscoe Bond.

As BigFace rushed toward him, Roscoe shouted, "Stop it BigFace, you don't need to do this!".

BigFace continued his assault, but Roscoe blocked every punch and bite that BigFace used to try to harm him. He knew BigFace wouldn't give up, so Roscoe Bond put all of his remaining effort into a single kick and threw it toward BigFace.

The kick landed and BigFace toppled like a poorly stacked Jenga tower.

With BigFace's plan thwarted, Roscoe Bond untied the prime minister and led him safely out of BigFace's lair. As they exited, the lair inexplicably detonated and collapsed. Roscoe Bond and the prime minister hopped into the vehicle with Roscoe's newly found ally and they sped toward safety.

Roscoe had saved the prime minister!

Roscoe returned to his homeland, but because of the secrecy of his operation he was not given a hero's welcome. As he returned home and entered his lavish apartment, Roscoe threw his keys onto the nearby table. On the table was a handwritten note from headquarters which read "Job well done, Roscoe". He knew that this wasn't his last assignment and wouldn't be his most difficult.

After all, he is Roscoe Bond.