Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dreams of a Father

Part of living as a parent means looking back at the good and bad that have happened. Part of being a dad is training and enjoying kids while they are with us. Still another portion of fatherhood is looking forward in anticipation to the things that will come. There are many things that I was looking forward to with Roscoe. Some of them would have happened the first day that he came home healthy, and some of them wouldn't have happened for many years.

I was looking forward to seeing Roscoe's face the first time he heard acappella singing at church. He listened to music from his music box and Alisha's iPod, but there is nothing like the sound of real voices making sound. I don't know whether he would have been shocked into crying or whether he will just gaze in amazement, but I was anticipating the day when I can see his reaction to that first sound. His face was so expressive and I'm sure it would have been wonderful to see when he first heard real music.

I was also looking forward to Roscoe being able to smell food. His nose worked just fine, but since no food is allowed in the ICU at Kaiser or UCSF he never really smelled the variety of food that we eat each day. I tried holding a peach up to his nose, but such a faint smell was most likely drowned out by the hospital smells and air being pushed into his trach. I wanted to see how he would have reacted to smelling food being prepared and cooked in the kitchen at home, how his nose would have led him through the transitioning smells that occur during a simple dinner preparation.

Alisha and I used to go on walks fairly often on the walkways around our house, prior to September 2013. Another thing I was anticipating taking Roscoe on walks along those same pathways. There are birds, rabbits, trees, fields, and a pond that Roscoe would have experienced along that path. The pathways are something of a metaphor for our lives. The route we commonly walk is the route along which I proposed to Alisha with an oversized ring box and ring that I'd made out of a hula hoop:

To bring Roscoe along that path would be a symbol of the next major step in our lives being taken. I wish we could have taken that step with him in our arms.

Peering into the near future I was awaiting the day when Roscoe would have been able to play catch with a ball, play with our dog, ride his tricycle, and toddle around the house. Looking further into the future I longed to see how much he'd enjoy developing a network of friends, who he chose for a wife, and what he picked as a career. A prayer for Roscoe to be healed was a prayer for a father's dreams to be realized. I thank you for those prayers. God heard them and now we have his answer.


  1. I never knew my heart could break so hard.
    I wish I could fix things for you.
    We prayed with all of our might.
    I love you.
    Love, Mom

  2. Praying for God to embrace you in His love and peace.

  3. Our children are really never ours. They belong to God. We just never know when they will return Home. You are loved far more than you realize. So is your son. He will not be forgotten, for he is a precious memory and a divine message for all of us. May God bring you rest and peace.