Wednesday, July 23, 2014

How it Feels

Many people have offered words of support and condolence, saying that they don't know what we are going through. I thought I might try to describe a little of what we are feeling, for empathy's sake.

The whole situation is still very surreal for us. We have been conditioned since October 6th, 2013 to spend each day and night at the hospital where Roscoe is staying nearby. Since that day, there hasn't been a single day that passed when Alisha or I didn't go spend time with him. As he got more interactive and matured, Alisha would spend 8-10 hours each day at the hospital and I'd spend 4-5 hours after work. Most recently at UCSF, we spent an average of 10 hours a day with him at the hospital. After this quick series of events, now Roscoe is no longer with us and we won't visit a hospital today for the first time in almost a year.


Coming back has been a bit of a shock. For over a month we've lived in a foreign location, in weather that felt like late fall, around people we don't know, and at a hospital we're not familiar with. Within 24 hours, that has all changed. We're now back at home, we don't have a son, we don't visit the hospital, and the weather is hot. It feels like we've been living in an alternate universe where we had a son in the hospital for the past year, and now we've returned to "real" life in mid 2013. It will take us time to come to terms with everything that has happened.

In our conversations with each other, Alisha and I alternate between talking about mundane things like what to eat for dinner and reliving special memories we had with Roscoe. We might be in the middle of a conversation and one of us will instantly break down saying something about our little boy. Often we speak of him with a smile. Sometimes the words don't make it out of our mouths because they are blocked by hurt and blurred by tears.

We still feel like this isn't real. Roscoe was so resilient that each time a problem occurred there was an alternate path we took toward stability. Alisha and I keep waiting to get a phone call that tells us to come back to the hospital, that they've come up with a new plan, and things may possibly work out.

Alisha and I watched Roscoe "die" many times before it actually happened. We were prepared for him to be stillborn or not survive his birth. Another time we were in the room when his lung collapsed. The Saturday after his trach surgery we were convinced he wouldn't make it. This past Saturday he had several very scary drops that mirrored these prior events. When he finally passed earlier this morning, it eerily felt like a road we'd walked down many times before, only this time there was no recovery.

We feel like we are returning to a life we once had, with memories of a life nearly forgotten. We are having to re-learn what it feels like to sit at home at night, to not be scared whether our son can breathe, and to not have to constantly flinch when we hear a beeping sound that sounds like a monitor reading a bad value. We hope that by describing this, we can share in the mutual feeling of shock that you are all feeling, and that we can help you better understand our road so that you can walk it with us.

17 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing Shaun, been thinking of you guys all day. <3

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  2. You and Alisha are in my prayers constantly. Thank you so much for sharing Roscoe with us! I love you all!

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  3. We love you both and are here for you when you are ready for anything, hugs, laughter, tears, dinner, a walk, anything. Thank you for sharing whats on your hearts and giving all of us a glimpse of what you are feeling and going through. We will continue to pray for you both day and night as we have been for the past year. Again we are here when you are ready! Love you..

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  4. You don't know me but I started to love Roscoe from the first post I read and that love just grew each day as I prayed for God to heal him. Although my prayers weren't answered, your story has strengthened my faith by giving me amazing examples of true Christians; your family is truly an inspiration to many. I grieve with you and take solace knowing Roscoe is being rocked to sleep tonight in his Father's arms. Sending prayers for your family from Kansas - Megan

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  5. You know I will walk with you guys EVERY step of the way, and be there for ANYTHING you need. I love you SO much!!

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  6. I have no idea who you are, and you have no idea who i am. I just had my first baby boy a little over 4 months ago and for some reason i was drawn to Roscoes story. I check on your blog periodically to see how your little man is doing and i am saddened to see his sudden passing. I could not even fathom the heartbreak your family is going through, as losing a child is something only the tough must endure. I don't think i could handle it with such grace and candor as you guys have. I am not a religious person, but it makes you think things happen for a reason. Even though i have never met your little man, he has made me appreciate the one i have sleeping right next door. I will give him an extra hard hug in the morning. I am so sorry for your little Roscoe

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  7. Shaun & Alisha, again words fail me. I just can't believe that beautiful soul is no longer with us here but I am soothed by the image of him in the arms of God, smiling and no longer struggling for life & breath. You are so kind to have shared Roscoe with us for the time you had him here.

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  8. I'm a friend of Tif's, and have been following since the first post when we would refresh your blog all day waiting on updates. I have hesitated to respond much to your posts out of fear that it might not be helpful. But I did want to thank you and Alisha for being so open here. I have come back here myself a few times in the last 24 hours half expecting, hoping for a post about a miracle. Only God knows the full impact his amazing life had and will continue to have. Also, I am joining all the others around the world who are praying for peace and healing and special blessings for you and Alisha. Love to you all.

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  9. Thank you so much for sharing. Can't stop thinking of you and Alisha, and pray constantly for you two. So very sorry for your deep hurt and shock right now. I know I could never say the right words to lessen or ease your enormous loss and hurt, but just know that you are SO loved and are being lifted up in prayer by your friends all over the world on a constant basis.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. It helps us to see things from your prospective. We are here for you, as your Kingdom family, to help you through this transition. We are praying that our Father will give you comfort and peace. We love you!

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  11. Although we have never met, I feel like we knew you through the blog, pics and videos. Thank you so much for "sharing" your little boy with all of us and helping us get to know him and what you all have been going through. Our hearts are hurting for you and we send our love and prayers to you and your family. May God continue to bless you all. Becky Hatcher/ Dothan, AL

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  12. I wish there was a way that all of our grief and tears could lesson yours, or a physical way we could ease your pain.

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  13. You will not be alone as you navigate this path. Myself, along with many others will walk it with you and support you in any way we can. Thank you for being so candid with your thoughts and feelings. Roscoe's light will never go out. He continues to be the amazing little man we loved, we just can't see him right now....o how I miss him!
    Love you all,
    Rachelle

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  14. Shaun and Alisha, I am one of the very fortunate ones who actually does know you and sees you often - & I literally thank God for that blessing. However, I am just as inadequate as anyone else to have the words or the actions to comfort either of you. I will tell you this: when I do see you and I just smile or pat you on the arm or just say, "Hey" - the meaning behind any of that is "I love you!" and inside I am giving you the tightest, most tender hug and am holding you like my own vulnerable child. I never want to invade your personal hurt or make any assumptions about what you need or need to do to feel better. I just ask God to use any of us for your comfort and to supply exactly what you need. There is no "getting over it" or "getting through it" as if an end exists. Roscoe has forever changed us all - especially you two. And we all are the better, the wiser, the more loving, the more everything for the gift of Roscoe. How wonderful.

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  15. My cousin Paul introduced me to Roscoe. I read your posts every day and prayed for all of you. I will continue to do that knowing that our Lord can do for you what none of us can do and He can whisper to your souls a healing that none of us can imagine. People say a lot of dumb things in these situations. I'm always worried about being one of those, so I'll stop there. Thank you for sharing your life and your baby with us. We loved him.

    Lori, Abilene, TX

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  16. If you and Alisha would like to come to the mountains, hike, walk, or do nothing, you know my home is always open to you for as long as you need.

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  17. Roscoe's short life touched my heart. I know he is with god and is smiling with that infectious loving smile that captured so many hearts. I feel blessed to have been able to cuddle him and provide what comfort I could during his stay at Kaiser. I too will miss him. Prayers to you and Alisha and thank you for this wonderful tribute to a special little man.

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