Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The End

Roscoe's story has come to an end. We began the day saying hello to our smiling boy and ended the day with him dying in our arms. He never made it to heart surgery. If you are shocked reading all of this, then you might understand how we felt as everything unfolded.

NOTE: Please do not call or text Alisha, since it will disrupt her ability to grieve.


During the first part of the day, Roscoe was sleepy and then VERY awake. He was so awake that when the nurse drugged him with "enough sedatives to put everyone in the room to sleep", he was still alert and smiling. It was almost as if he smiled back at her to say "What else you got?" (although I've never known him to speak with poor grammar). Here's how he looked after 2 rounds of sedatives:


They were trying to put him to sleep to replace one of his IVs. Since he didn't get sleepy, they decided to insert the IV while he was awake (but on painkillers). I held his pacifier in his mouth while they did it. He winced a little, but was mostly cheery. Here he is showing off his "hulk hands", which were really warmers to make the veins in his hands easier to locate:


Later I got to rub my finger around in his mouth to feel his budding tooth and gums:


As I came back to his bedside and started consoling him after the IV was in, I noticed some blood leaking from the remaining PICC line in his right arm. I told the nurse and she immediately grabbed another nurse to check it. The line was broken and would need to be replaced. They gave Roscoe more sedatives (after which he finally started sleeping), so Alisha and I went to walk to nearby Buena Vista Park while they replaced the PICC line.

We came back about 1.5 hours later and they were still finishing up. Roscoe's heart rate was fluttering up and down (bradycardia), but they didn't seem concerned so we went to sit in the courtyard for 30 minutes before returning. When we returned his heart rate was still fluttering and there were more people in his room. Roscoe was still sedated, laying there relatively still. The nurse noticed that one of his pupils was dilated and another wasn't. His pupils also didn't respond to light and his right arm was clenched very tightly. They immediately took him downstairs for a CT scan to check for brain issues. I went downstairs with them.

After the scan, the doctor came out of the room, pulled me aside and said that Roscoe had a very large hemorrhage that was creating pressure on his brain and causing him to have seizures. If I recall correctly, he used the words "catastrophic", "horrible", and "disastrous" to describe it. We don't know how long this had been happening, but it may have been the cause of some of his headaches and agitated behavior in recent days. This was a complete shock to Alisha and I, since Roscoe hadn't had a brain scan in a while and his brain had always looked fine. They consulted with neurology to see if surgery was even possible.

Fluid (lighter on left) putting pressure on his brain (darker on right) 

Possible origin of the fluid, a hematoma (lighter, lower left)

Neurology said that in an otherwise healthy adult the fatality rate for a brain injury like Roscoe's was 80%, not even considering that Roscoe was an infant or that he had a serious cardiac defect and malformed lungs. Surgery would not be an option. Additionally, Roscoe's brain was actively bleeding and so they didn't know how long he would survive. They kept him sedated so he wouldn't feel pain. Alisha and I prepared to let him pass. We were partially ready for it to happen on Thursday during surgery, but not today.

They moved a couch into the room and Alisha and I spent about 3 hours with Roscoe. All of his IVs were removed except for the PICC line, so he could receive comfort sedation. It was great to sit with him in the room with no beeping or sensors for the first time in his life. His eyes stayed closed and his limbs limp due to the sedation. We prayed with him, sung to him, told him how much we loved him and that he'd have to learn from God about us. We kissed him all over, swapped back and forth holding him, and I even got my first hug with his arms around my neck (Alisha held them there). We told him what a good boy he was and how proud we were of him. We caressed his hands, feet, nose, cheeks, and head. For the first time we even let him suck on our fingers instead of a pacifier. We even told him how God had used him to impact people all over the world, all of whom were his friends and who loved him.

When we both felt ready to say goodbye, we had them disconnect the ventilator at around 2:10am. It was hard to make the decision of when enough is enough. I stood up and held Roscoe tight as I rocked him to sleep, just as I had many times before. I knew this would be the last time, but it was still sweet to hold him once again. I glanced up at the wall and saw the picture below, which exactly mirrored the pose that I was now holding him in:


With Roscoe positioned against my chest and no breathing tubes attached, we rocked and rocked. I hummed the song "Amazing Grace" to him just liked I'd hummed it each night when I put him to sleep. I told him over and over again how much I loved him, his momma loved him (she was sitting next to me), and God loved him. Roscoe survived for 40 peaceful minutes with no breathing tube and finally passed at 2:50am on the morning of July 23rd.

Alisha and I both remarked that if Roscoe had to leave us and be with God, we couldn't think of a better way for it to end. He had a wonderful day of playing, followed by restful sleep. There was no stressful wondering or gradual decline for Alisha and I to suffer through. We got to say goodbye in all the ways we could think of, which is a luxury that not many parents have when they lose a child.

I will post a few more blog entries in the coming days after this one. Some are blog posts that I had queued up in advance of surgery. I will also post our last family portrait, which as luck would have it was taken on Sunday by the nurse who had him tonight. Roscoe was a wonderful boy who lit up the world with prayers. We will miss him, but we know we will see him again. We gazed into Roscoe's face and were dazzled by his smile, so I can't imagine what his smile must look like being delighted face to face by God himself.

We love you, Roscoe.

72 comments:

  1. Oh, Shaun and Alisha,

    Our hearts ache for you. We love you so much and we loved Roscoe. We are praying that after your grief and loss the Lord will comfort you.

    -greg and peggy

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  2. I love you guys! HUGS! I grieve with you!

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  3. My heart breaks for your sweet family. Please know that you will continue to be in my prayers and Roscoe will always be in my prayers.

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  4. Goodbye, buddy. See you soon.
    Our love does not stop here.

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  5. Words can't heal a broken heart but know hearts are aching with you today. Sending prayers from Arkansas.

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  6. I am so saddened to read of Roscoes passing,I am happy to read you had such a loving time with him before he passed,a time you can reflect on as being so peaceful & loving.God now has a rare little fighter on his hands,a little treasure whos smile can light up a room,a little treasure that has touched lives around the world,a little treasure we will sorely miss reading about.Sweet dreams my little fighter,may you rest in the arms of the angels,may your mommy & daddy take comfort in knowing you now have people all over the world praying for them.
    My family & I love you dearly x x

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  7. Shaun and Alisha. I am so sorry. God closes a door but opens a window, and there is light ahead...Love you so much. May Roscoe be all smiles in God's loving arms....Grandma

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  8. So, so so very sorry... me heart hurts for you both. Your positive attitude through this has been an inspirational example of trust and faith in God's will. Praying for you in your loss but rejoicing that Roscoe is with God!

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  9. We can't even begin to imagine the pain & heartache you two must be feeling. I'm so glad you got to spend the last hours with him holding & comforting him! God bless you both & give you strength & comfort in the coming days!

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  10. My heart is broken for you all...I know God has special things in store for your sweet Roscoe. Praying for the"peace that passes understanding" for you and Alisha. Love you all.

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  11. Sobbing in the car on the side of the road, heartbroken for you and all of us, the gallery, and all we've lost. I'm so sorry.

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  12. Our hearts ache for your loss of Roscoe. We love you and will continue to keep praying for you.

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  13. My heart aches for you and your wife but we know all is well. Now there is peace. Thank you for sharing and letting us know Roscoe.

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  14. We are praying with you and for you. I am so grateful that you shared Roscoe's story with all of us and allowed us to see silver linings that we so often overlook. so has touched my heart on so many levels thank you for that. I agree with you that you are very blessed to get to say goodbye in all the way you did, instead of with him insurgery. God is good in sooo many ways. God be with you in the upcoming days. We will continue to lift you up.

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  15. Shaun, Thanks so much for sharing Roscoe's brief but amazing journey of life. God will write the next chapter with a happy never ending.

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  16. What a beautiful post, Shaun, and what a blessing that you were able to be with him in peace. Roscoe has certainly impacted our lives with both smiles and tears, but mostly in showing us the power of prayer, and the strength of two faithful young parents who have trusted God through it all. As a parent, I have seen strength that I'm not sure I would have had, and I know that it is God's provision that has taken you through and will continue to carry you now. In good and bad, you have blessed US by sharing your son and your story, and your faith. Thank you for that. I am not looking forward to sharing this sad news with my kids today, but I will make sure that they know how strong and trusting his parents are, and how excited they are for Roscoe to see Heaven. We will continue to pray for you both and know that the Lord will provide the healing you need. I will miss seeing Roscoe's face every day, but rejoice in the knowing that he is free and happy, and that he was used by God to bless and strengthen the hearts of many people who loved him. Psalm 145

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  17. My heart has broken, yet rejoices in knowing that Roscoe has shown the world God's beauty and grace through your family. I continue to lift you up in prayer and know that Roscoe's story is not yet finished. God is good, and in this you will find comfort. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for being such an amazing dad and mom and example of true faith. - Heather (Riley) Brown (and family)

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  18. You don't know me, but I have followed Roscoe's every smile. The first thing I do each morning is to check the blog for updates, and the last thing I do each night is pray for him. I am so sorry for the loss of his spirit, and I know those words mean nothing in these moments. Please do know, however, that Roscoe DID touch people all across the world, and that his smile and his spirit will be remembered by many. My thoughts and prayers are with you both, and I am so glad to know that you will be reunited in Heaven -- I can't wait to meet him there myself.

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  19. Our hearts feel broken with this news. Selfishly we want Roscoe here with us, but know that now he is either crawling or running in Heaven with God, with the brightest of smiles on his face and eyes that light up the world!
    We pray for peace and comfort to you and Alisha in the coming days. You are amazing parents to Roscoe. Love you all.

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  21. Shaun and Alisha, I am so sorry, praying for you both in your loss .

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  22. I am so sorry to hear of Roscoe's passing and very sorry for your loss. I was glad to see that you were able to be with him and hold him and only hope that provides you much comfort. Sending love and hugs from NH. <3

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  23. Our hearts ache for your loss. We have grown to love you all!

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  24. Thank you both for letting us share in your difficult and inspiring journey. Your experiences have certainly made me think on my blessings. It has also been humbling for me to see just how dedicated and faithful you guys have been through all this. Even though Roscoe is gone, you guys will still be kept in prayer through this new phase of grieving. I'm so thankful you both had such a beautiful goodbye as a family. Much love and support from SoCal!

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  25. My hart breaks for you and your family. I couldn't imagine the pain that you must have gone through. I pray for comfort, peace and strength for you and your family. I am sure Jesus has Roscoe in His care now.

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  26. We love you and are grieving with you.

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  27. We love you and are so very sorry. I am thankful that you got to hold him in his final hours! That was a sweet departure for little Roscoe. We will keep praying for you, that God wrap his arms around you and give you peace.

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  28. While my husband and I have not met your family personally, your story was shared with our congregation, the Church of Christ, in Jonesboro, GA several weeks ago. We've been praying weekly for your family, and although this is not the conclusion that we were hoping for, we can rest assured that God is faithful to keep His promises, and that Roscoe waits faithfully in Paradise.

    With Love in Christ,
    Jennifer Cannady, Augusta, GA

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  29. Praying for you and Alisha and your entire family through tears. Begging the Holy Spirit to intercede, because I am at a loss for words. I know the world has been blessed by this little man's short life. May God wrap his arms around you at this time.

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  30. Roscoe was blessed to have two such loving parents. I learned to love the three of you through your touching blog and my heart goes out to you. May you be comforted knowing that Roscoe is now in the arms of angels and still surrounded by the love of God. I will now be praying for God's special 'peace that goes beyond our understanding' for you and all your family.

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  31. I only know of Roscoe and your family through Tifany, but I've been following along and praying for his healing here on earth.
    My heart breaks for you both as I read this and I will continue to pray for God to comfort you both and give you peace as you remember his precious life.
    Dear little Roscoe was blessed to have you raise, care and love him and know that he is healed and living on the heavenly kingdom waiting for y'all.

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  32. May the Lord be near to you. We love you.

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  33. I have no words, I will pray for you both with all my heart.

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  34. I can't express how sorry I am that you have lost Roscoe. It is terribly sad to lose a child, yet it is comforting to know that because a child has never sinned, God's plan takes them all to Heaven. You have shared such personal, yet meaningful parts of your family's lives, and by doing so, many people have seen the example of the strength you have through your daily walk with Christ. Roscoe's life has blessed many people. I will continue to pay for you and Alisha.

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  35. May God bless you and Alisha. My heart is so heavy for you right now. You are in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart. The thought of losing a child makes me weepy. I have come so close to losing one of mine. The thought that keeps me going is: "They were in God's Hands the whole time...and they still are!" You will see him again.

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  36. Look at the first picture and the one of you feeling his new tooth on this page. God put a heart on Roscoe's forehead. Earlier He had marked him with a heart on the back of his head (see rebuilding Roscoe in June) God has His fingerprints all over our precious Roscoe!
    I often "see" Grandpa Briggs. I saw him a little earlier. He was facing me, holding Roscoe on his right hip (who was facing me also) and they both have the biggest smiles on their faces and the sun is shining! Sorry, Alisha, but Grandpa Briggs just might be planning on teaching Roscoe a few of his ornery tricks!!!
    Our love and prayers will continue for you / us all.

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  37. Hearts are broken all over the world for y'all. I wish there was something we could do to be supportive. Love you three.

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  38. Words can't express how sad we are at this news. Our love and prayers are with you both.

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  39. Dear Shaw and Alisha may God be with you and comfort you in this time if grief. We pray for you and love you very much. Roscoe was a a very special and precious boy. We got to love him so very much and I can't believe I won't see his sweet smiling face any more. Grieving and praying with you.

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  40. O Lord, comfort this family with Your Love & Compassion! Strengthen them for the days ahead! Let them feel Your Presence as they mourn the loss of their son! But let them know that You are with them through each moment of grief, each moment of sorrow! Let them rejoice over the precious life that You have given unto them even for a short season, a life that brought many people unto You, a life which had a purpose! O Lord, we know that Roscoe is in heaven with You, but Father, mend the hearts of this precious family! Let their memories be sweet & let their lives be healed through Your Precious Name! In Jesus Name! Amen!

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  41. I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. May God give you much comfort during these days and the ones to come.

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  42. Praying for peace and comfort for you two.

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  43. I am so sorry and saddened to see this today. May God bless you and your family through this heartbreaking time. Roscoe touched so many lives and renewed my wavering faith and I will never forget his story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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  44. We will be praying for comfort and peace for your family. Although we never met Roscoe, I feel like he is a part of our family. Thank you for sharing sharing him with us! Love and prayers from London, KY, The Horns (Phil, Mandie, Allie, Noah, and Zack)

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  45. I'm so sorry and sad to read your post today. You don't know me, but I've followed along here for several months. Each morning, as I checked your blog, I fell more in love with your sweet, beautiful boy. His eyes, his smile ... I'm going to miss him! Thank you so much for sharing Roscoe's story, and giving us the privilege to pray along side of you both - his short life was significant in ways we may not know until we reach eternity. What a blessing it is to know he's safe in the arms of Jesus.

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  46. Shaun, thank you so much for sharing Roscoe with us. I will miss him and seeing that huge toothless grin. In the days, weeks, and months to come, my family will continue to pray for you and Alisha and others who are grieving over the loss of your son. We will pray that your faith and relationship with God will grow stronger through this experience, and we will pray that you and Alisha's relationship with stronger through this "trial by fire". We pray that you two will be blessed with more children and that you will share Roscoe's story with them. Thank you again for sharing him with us. May God's grace abound in your life while you grieve.

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  47. Roscoe, the bravest Secret Agent EVER, was an inspiration to all of us! He touched so many lives. Our thoughts and prayers are with you two, but we all know, rest assured, he's now looking down over all of us. What an angel......

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  48. I am so very sorry for your loss. I've never met you guys but I have been praying for your family since I first read your blog. You and your wife are such an example of trusting God and continuing to love your heart out through all the struggles and vulnerability of not knowing what the future may bring. I wish there were something more I could do, but I will keep your family in my prayers in the coming days, and trust that God will bring His peace that passes understanding. Lots of love, Allison (Leander, TX)

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  49. My heart breaks for you all. I am so, so very sorry to hear this. He is your forever guardian angel. Prayers for you both.

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  50. I was so very saddened for you when I read this today. You don't know me, but I have been following your blogs since a friend of mine, who is a nurse in Roseville posted the first post. You have been in my prayers constantly and I can't express the pain I feel for you both. I lost a great grandson at 3 months old, 2 years ago, and although I could not even begin to imagine your pain as parents, I do understand. Please remember to take the time to grieve and rest. These past months have been so hard on you physically and mentally and you both need time to heal. Roscoe is in the arms of the now and he will never have pain again. What a glorious day it will be when you are reunited with him again. God Bless you both and my prayers for you and your family continue.

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  51. My heart and prayers go out to your family. You have my sympathy as a parent and a friend. This is just plain rotten. Roscoe could not have asked for better parents for his brief life.

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  52. Thank you for sharing with us all Roscoe's touching story. I felt like I knew him through your posts and it's obvious what a sweet and loved baby he was! Such an angel. My heart is heavy today. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.

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  53. Shaun,

    I can't even begin to understand the depth of your grief. I just received a pointer to you blog post and reading this hit me very hard. I know I have been involved in my own family issues over the past couple of years, but I had no idea and wish I had because I could have met your precious Roscoe at UCSF during the many times I was down there with my Daughter.

    Roscoe is beautiful and reading your blog and seeing the pictures and videos brings mixed, but very strong emotions of Sadness at the loss, Laughter and Joy the angelic smiles Roscoe has, anger at the injustice of it all.. you know.

    I know you have heard this many times -- However, my family received and continue to receive tremendous help over the past few years and I would love to help in any way I can. Meals, yard work, 'taxi' service, anything that can help.

    -Scott

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  54. What to say? I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy. You are in my thoughts and prayers. He was so blessed to have you as parents.

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  55. Shaun, I am at loss of words here. This is so heartbreaking ! How can the destiny be so cruel ? I have been reading your blog on and off and I strongly believe you and your wife did every bit on your part to save Roscoe's life. You guys have been awesome parents. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am keeping you in my prayers. May God give you enough strength in this difficult time.

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  56. My family has followed Roscoe's life from the beginning! We are all so sorry for your loss, but it is heavens gain! Heaven has a new angel! Love and prayers for you all! Danny and Nita Cutter Hopkins

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  57. Precious boy, resting in the arms of God. I love you guys, and will continue to pray.

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  58. Thank you for sharing Roscoe with us. He will be in our hearts and you are in our prayers. God bless.

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  59. Thank you for sharing Roscoe's story and your faith throughout. God be with you and Alisha. Praying for both of you!

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  60. Thinking of Roscoe encouraged me to hug my little ones extra long and extra tight tonight. Roscoe was a good little man.

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  61. Words are of feeble comfort but I'm praying that you feel strengthened by the love of so many who have prayed with you and by the love of God who has received those prayers. Roscoe was so precious.

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  62. Thank you for sharing Roscoe's story with us with such strength and grace. You have reminded us all that every moment is given to us and it is precious. May you and your family find peace in this time of loss and grief. He is with God, without pain and smiling an (almost) toothy grin upon you.

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  63. Shaun, thank you so much for sharing Roscoe's amazing life with all of us. We prayed and hoped and loved this little guy through your words, and we continue to pray for you and Alisha. Roscoe's bright little smile will certainly leave a lasting impression on many, many people.

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  64. Thank you for sharing your sons very special life with us. I know he has touched very many lives in the time u have blogged especially mine. I have never met Roscoe but I am so heartbroken and can't even begin to understand what ya'll are feeling. He is with God now probably a commander in His army due to his strength he had here on earth. Don't lose faith in God and we are praying for you everyday! May Roscoe be at peace and know the many lives he has changed with his struggle.

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  65. Thank you very much, Shaun, for sharing a very sad, touching, beautiful and faithful journey. Certainly, angelic Roscoe is now in God's merciful arms. May God continue to bless you, Alisha and your family peace, grace, comfort and His providence. Our sincere prayers go to Roscoe and you.

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  66. Roscoe touched my heart and I am so deeply saddened and heart broken by this news. I am so so blessed that I had the opportunity to meet sweet baby Roscoe while volunteering at Kaiser and I am so thankful for the lovely times I got to cuddle him in the NICU. I'll always remember you baby Roscoe and myself and my family will continue to pray for you all without ceasing <3

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    1. Thank you for cuddling our precious Roscoe. Thank you.

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  67. I have followed your blog for a long time, praying for your little boy. I am so sorry he passed! I read and I cried. I lit a candle for him and Held a quiet minute. I hope that he has found peace.

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